The Hidden Cost of Success in High Performing Relationships
Success brings space and the freedom to move beyond survival and into intimacy. But in high performing partnerships this privilege reveals a few hidden relational costs. When basic needs are no longer the primary concern, expectations shift and emotional needs grow to an unattainable level.
Cost 1: Flaw Fixation
With the absence of financial pressures, couples have the luxury of focusing on connection and compatibility. While this can be an enriching thing for a couple, it can also invite a relentless pursuit of perfection. The bar gets raised so high that genuine effort is overshadowed by perceptions of inadequacy.
A couple who is giving attention to not only the logistics of their partnership, but the connection in their partnership is one that is likely to be more satisfied and fulfilled. Even more so if both partners are pouring and leaning into facilitating deeper and more aligned connectedness. But this is only fruitful up to a certain point.
When there is a constant drive to optimize, improve or perfect the relationship, the relationship deteriorates. Partners find themselves constantly correcting, adjusting and critiquing. This bar has been set so high by one or both partners that it becomes impossible to reach. No matter what they do or how valiant their efforts to meet needs, they just can’t. Despite their attempts, their partner always seems dissatisfied, and often over things that appear trivial on the surface but seem to carry deep dissatisfaction.
Now this isn’t to dismiss the dissatisfaction, or suggest that these challenges high performing couples face aren’t real problems, they are. But I believe there’s a more common problem underneath it all.
The absence of gratitude and appreciation for one another paired with a sense of entitlement. The recurring thoughts of deserving more and deserving better. The echo chamber online that says as much, and the access to what appears to be better suited partners affirms these beliefs in many minds.
The truth is, many couples falter simply because they have fixated far too heavily on what was missing, rather than all they had. They relied too heavily on their partner to be everything to them, instead of allowing them to be just that, their romantic partner.
Cost 2: Unfair Expectations
High performing lifestyles often normalize individualism, which eliminates the benefits that come with communal buffering. Couples who were once held in community are now existing in emotional silos. And the lack of communal support doesn't just impact the couple, it moves through the entire family system.
In high performing households privacy is prized and trust is hard earned. As a result, the loss of healthy external relationships goes unnoticed and undervalued. And the deeper the desire for privacy, the easier it is to continue living in isolation and expecting your partner to be your end all be all. Restoration for the couple begins when this burden is redistributed.
Revisiting the role of loving community is not optional, it's essential. Whether it's a trusted friend offering perspective, time away at grandmas for the kids that allows for intimacy at home, or the quiet counsel of a wise elder who has weathered decades of partnership, these interactions recalibrate how couples see each other and themselves. They are the buffers, mirrors and often the catalysts for gratitude. Without trust voices around, many couples forget how great their relationship already is.
Cost 3: No Consideration for Collateral Damage
When financial security shields couples from the consequences of divorce, emotional commitment to a spouse can feel more negotiable. Divorce doesn’t feel as threatening or risky. They may believe another partnership is attainable. That the loss won’t affect their lifestyle. That the children will adapt.
What they fail to realize is that the threat isn’t the financial loss, but the emotional erosion for both partners and any children involved. When rebuilding, this is where the focus in treatment has to be on re-establishing emotional stakes and grounding the couple in the deeper why of their union.
No relationship is without challenges, hardships in relationships will exist, current or future. So the question is no longer whether issues will exist, but which ones a couple is willing to face, and whether they are willing to face them together.
Conclusion
In my work with high performing couples, I’ve found that it's not ambition or adversity that tends to strain couples, it's the unchecked assumption that love is something that can be perfected. Before withdrawing or opting out, my questions to couples would be: Are you truly incompatible, or are you under supported, overextended and seeking wholeness in a place it was never meant to come from alone?
Written by Jazmyne, Couples Strategist and Relationship Restoration Specialist. She supports high performing couples in California and Georgia through referral-only intensives and bespoke programs. Learn more here.
