What I Wish I Knew In My 20’s
What No One Told Me, But Everything I Needed to Hear
Brought in my 35th birthday this weekend and for the first time in many years my heart feels so full!! Alignment is at its peak and I feel a peace I have sought for some time.
The Cost of Survival Mode
The years of survival mode and distraction don’t allow for space to deeply reflect and recalibrate. When leaving my moms home at 17 I was so excited to explore the world without shackles. College became the fun distraction. No time for healing wounds from childhood, I was just relieved to escape my environment.
I fell in love in college and shifted my focus to my relationship and family of creation. I was so eager and excited to “do it differently”, that I didn’t consider how much I would gain and lose simultaneously.
Carrying What Was Never Healed
Parenthood. Grief. Career. Each brought new demands and required skills I hadn’t yet developed. I stayed afloat (barely) while still carrying the weight of the past that I had yet to sort through.
San Diego started to feel just as suffocating as Pomona had. It wasn’t until we relocated to Georgia for a fresh start that I could finally see clearly. Sitting on my patio amongst all the trees and open space, my nervous system could actually exhale.
I saw connections more clearly, prioritized my energy, and moved from survival mode and was able to tap into mindfulness and gratitude. These last three years I have been unlearning and relearning my way into the life I couldn’t even imagine as a little girl.
Becoming at 35
As I reach this new milestone I feel so settled into myself. I know I will always grow and evolve, but I now feel confident, secure and grounded in the foundation I’ve built for myself.
Like many of us, I wish I arrived here much sooner. So in the spirit of being what I wish I had at 20, I’m sharing the wisdom I’ve earned, hoping it supports and guides another young woman stuck in people pleasing and self abandonment in the name of connection and survival.
Things I Wish I Knew at 20
Don’t expect people to read your mind. Tell them when they've hurt you immediately or as soon as possible. Give them the opportunity to repair.
Always ask for exactly what you want. Even if it feels like “too much,” people are more willing than you realize.
Holding onto anger and resentment puts a strain on everything. Your body, your confidence, your relationships. Share it. Release it.
You don’t need permission. Do what you want. The right people will stay, the others will naturally exit, willingly or with gradual distance.
Turn up the volume of your own voice. Asking for other people's opinions too early dilutes your confidence. Decide from within.
Accept what is. “Should” keeps you in denial. Replace it with acceptance, then choose your response from a place of clarity and regulation.
Titles and history don’t justify harm. If someone repeatedly causes you pain, they don’t belong in your world, no matter their role.
You come before any and everyone. Take care of you. A nourished you is a better partner, parent, and person.
Reconnect with your younger self. Reclaim her hobbies, her joy, her wildness. Let her lead sometimes.
Connection is everything. Choose your people wisely. Cherish and invest in the ones who feed your soul.
You always have options. You can leave, shift, pivot. No matter what’s happening around you or what someone else decides.
Believe people. They will show and tell you who they are, and EXACTLY how they feel about you.
Safety is sacred. Your body always knows. Listen early. Act accordingly.
Community matters. Surround yourself with those who respect your values and uplift your role in this life, especially if you’re parenting.
These lessons are my life compass now. My hope is that they light the way for someone else who is earlier on their path.
Key takeaway: The lessons are in the reflections. Slow down and sit with yourself long enough to see what’s truly there. The hustle and bustle has you distracted and in danger.
About the Author
If any part of this resonated, I’m so glad it found you. I wrote it for the girl I was, but maybe also for the woman you’re becoming. Growth is so tender. It’s layered. And it’s absolutely worth it.
If you’re navigating your own healing, identity shift, or just trying to untangle something so you can hear yourself more clearly, I’d be honored to support you.
My name is Jazmyne Asaju and I offer individual therapy, couples work, and therapy intensives for people who are ready to do the deeper work and want support along the way.
We’re all still becoming, and you don’t have to do it alone.
