Why People Cheat and How to Know If It’ll Happen Again
Can a cheater really change… or is it true that “once a cheater, always a cheater”
Some say “once a cheater always a cheater” and ask how true that statement is (to themselves, and to me in therapy), and I say “not necessarily."
Annoying answer I know, but like most things in the therapy world, it depends. I see things differently, philosophically and clinically.
Why I resist the rigid “always” box
I believe that none of us want to be forced into a box without an exit. We all appreciate the opportunity to grow, change and most of all learn from our mistakes. As a therapist, I hold firm to the belief that people can change and I have seen it happen in my office countless times.
So if I was forced to exit the gray for a second, and take a firm stance on side yes or no, I would say no, that statement isn't accurate. All the nuance tips the scales.
Now, just because someone can change, does not mean they will change. Important to note.
Key questions to explore if you’re navigating infidelity
Is the cheating partner remorseful? How many times have they cheated?
Was it a one time sexual experience, or a full blown relationship with another person?
Do they want to be with their current partner? Or are they considering leaving to be with the affair partner?
Are they using novel sexual experiences to cope with a deeper wound that precedes the relationship?
Answers to these questions tell us significantly more about the likelihood that cheating will continue. But they only scratch the surface. There is much more to examine, discuss and move through.
What often leads to cheating
The most common factor is how love and relationships were modeled in the family of origin. For some betrayal was normalized or even accepted as a part of long term relationships. This pattern can be passed down and persists despite folks seeing first hand the damage it can cause.
Many are shocked to realize they’ve somehow recreated their parents' relationship dynamic. They begin identifying with one parent and seeing the other parent in their partner. This realization can bring up strong emotions and repressed memories.
Compounding on these common familial experiences is messaging from society that often shifts blame and responsibility onto the faithful partner. We tend to make something they did or didn’t do in the relationship the reason for the cheating. “If only you paid me more attention. If only we had more sex. If only….then I wouldn’t have…” While context and considering the dynamic matter, accountability and remorse must come first. The conversation must start with the fact that each person is responsible for controlling their impulses, communicating, and maintaining the integrity of the relationship. Then, and only then can we start digging into the” why?”
There’s also a set of folks who have great partnerships and cheat because there’s something missing inside them. It may have nothing to do with their upbringing, and no obvious strain in the relationship exists. They may enjoy being desired, or may view risky sexual behavior as fun or escapism.
Some folks identify with ethical non-monogamy and desire multiple connections. The challenge arises when the framework isn’t ethical. When people stay in monogamous relationships to avoid discomfort, fear of loss of external judgement and cause harm to their partners as a result.
Skill gaps that lead to betrayals
Ethical relationships are essential to emotional safety for all partners. And to reiterate, “ethical” does not mean “monogamous.” Ethical means agreed upon boundaries, transparency and integrity.
This involves a host of micro-skills many of us were never taught. Skills like vulnerability, emotional awareness, articulating needs, boundary setting and so much more.
This is where therapy can be so transformative. It supports you (individually or as a couple) in finding your voice, questioning the scripts you inherited, and deciding what is aligned, and what no longer works for you.
If you or your partner are currently seeking support, I offer both weekly therapy and therapy intensives for those wanting deeper and faster results.
Final Thoughts
So, does “once a cheater, always a cheater” hold true? My honest answer..not always, but not never either. Change is definitely possible. But it requires remorse, accountability, and intentional skill building and honest communication.
If you're wondering where things stand, whether you’re the faithful partner, the one who cheated, or somewhere in between, let's talk.
Written by Jazmyne Asaju, LCSW - Trauma and Relationship therapist for couples in Georgia and California. Learn more here.
